10 Rules to Fighting Fairly with your Spouse
In any relationship there will be disagreements, it is almost inevitable. Disagreements can help with the growth of a relationship, when communication is effective. It is when we take low blows and allow our emotions to speak for us that introduces unfair fighting. The problem is not the fight but how you fight. So how do you know if you aren’t fighting fair? If you or your partner find yourself using inappropriate communication during a disagreement that doesn’t help you understand or be understood…You’ve found your answer!
Here are 10 rules you can follow to make sure you are fighting fairly in your marriage.
1. CHECK YOUR INTENT
Most of the time fights are premeditated. We have had much time to decide when and where we will start the fight, along with other things. Before you approach your spouse, ask yourself a few things
-Why are you starting this fight?
-What will come from this fight?
-Is there another way?
Remember this is love not war.
2. PAY ATTENTION/ BE AWARE OF YOUR SPOUSES’ NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
Nonverbal communications are one of the most important forms of communication. Communicating effectively involves being observant of a person’s nonverbal responses. Before, during and after an argument with your spouse, observe their body language and facial cues. After observing them, RESPECT them.
3. UNDERSTAND AND RESPECT SILENCE
Silence does not always mean we are being ignored, it’s necessary for processing, understanding and collecting ourselves and our thoughts. It also is a method to assist in thinking before we speak. When in a disagreement with your spouse respect the silence of your spouse.
4. BE QUICK TO LISTEN, SLOW TO SPEAK, AND SLOW TO REACT
James 1:19 reminds us that we must be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to react. Arguments escalate because often we are only “hearing” what is being said to us. Listening takes being attentive, giving eye contact, etc. These steps will assist in calming your emotions down and causing you to rationally respond.
5. KNOW WHEN TO AGREE TO DISAGREE
In an argument things can get so heated that the only thing on our minds is getting our points across. When we agree to disagree, we are admitting that “at this moment we are just not getting it and continuing back and forth will cause greater conflict.” This is not a sign of weakness or giving up, it reflects your ability to be observant in your communication and willingness to keep peace.
6. DON’T BRING UP PASS ARGUMENTS
Oh, how easy it is for one spouse to remind another of what you did the last time. As a matter of fact, we usually keep this as the primary source of ammo in our fights. When fighting fairly it is important that the pass, stays the pass. Stay present in the moment, bringing up the pass only reflects the lack of forgiveness for those past situations and can cause your spouse to shut down.
7. TAKE BREAKS
Everything does not have to be dealt with at that very moment. Tabling the discussion can allow both spouses to calm down and think rationally. A break can be 1 hour or 1 day, the important thing is to allow each other the chance to take in what has been said and process what to do next.
8. REMEMBER YOU’RE ON THE SAME TEAM
At the end of the day, effective communication leads to growth. Remember you are in this together and you both want the best for your marriage/relationship. If your intentions are not to effectively communicate but instead fight until the death, what will be left?
9. DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS, DON’T BECOME THEM
In the heat of the moment we feel so many emotions and the easiest thing to do is to show them. Of course, doing this does not ever display correctly to your spouse, which puts more fuel to the flame. Take ownership of your feelings by practicing “I” statements. “I feel…”, “I need help understanding”, instead of “You make me feel…”, or “You never make sense, so I don’t understand…”.
10. END THE ARGUMENT WITH APOLOGIES, PRAYER AND A HUG
In relationships you will disagree, and sometimes those disagreements will turn into arguments, but those arguments must end. The best way to end the argument is with apologies, prayer and a hug. Apologize for the role you played in the situation as well as the argument. Pray to ask God to strengthen your relationship and help you forgive. Then hug it out.
No one is promising that this will be easy but being intentional with how you communicate your concerns will show your respect for your partners views and help continue to build your relationship.